Trigger warning: sexual assault and rape
I see men everywhere
In the rashes I itch
In the sores I scratch
In the holes I fill
In the shadows I fear
In the songs I loop
In the shows I binge
In the clothes I clean
In the tattoos I cover
In the hair I shave
In the tears I trap
In the clouds I smoke
In the father I love
In the soul I lost
In the body you raped
In the mind I found
But I don't see a man in me
Recovering from a sexual assault is like piecing together an 1,000 piece puzzle with 988 pieces. As the image begins to form, and as you process what has happened, you realize in your final moments of denial that you will never have your closure. Your apology. Your resolution. Because that rape is forever a part of you. Not that you will never recover from it, or grow from it— butitwill always exist in your narrative script. You will always haveitto compare your experiences to.
I see men in it. I see men everywhere. As I grapple with my sexual and emotional abuse, I have begun to question my gender identity. However, I realize that owning my queerness is not simply adopting a non-binary identity, but also fortifying a radical position against the patriarchal systems that oppress them.
Four months later and I still have to deal with the doctors, the prescriptions, and the pain. Where therapy does not fill, writing does. If you can name it, you can own it.